Amy Winehouse's House Sacked

While she was on her vacation, her home got broke into(Yeah, I just got straight up ghetto there)!

My breakdown of the AP's article after the jump.

My thoughts in bold.

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Friday, January 30th 2009, 12:08 PM
Amy Winehouse's London house was burglarized while the singer was on vacation . Cattermole/Getty

Amy Winehouse's London house was burglarized while the singer was on vacation(DOIN DRUGS!).

Amy Winehouse's spokesman says the singer's home in north London was broken into while she was on vacation in the Caribbean. (She forgot to pay someone)

Spokesman Chris Goodman says Winehouse has reported guitars and music-recording equipment stolen. (Also reported missing was all the DRUGS)

Goodman said Friday the home was left empty (except for DRUGS)when Winehouse was on her much-publicized vacation on the island of St. Lucia.

He says Winehouse's neighbors spotted the burglars Thursday and called police. (The "Burglars" are just Amy's drug dealers. She owed them money.)

Officers found the front door kicked in. No arrests have been made. (The police are under the drug dealers payrole)

Winehouse shot to stardom with the multi-Grammy-winning album "Back to Black" in 2006 and has a fortune estimated by the Sunday Times at 10 million pounds(of cocaine!) ($15 million).

Full Article Here(sans my comments, otherwise the exact same thing!)

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LEAVE BRITNEY ALOOONE!

Britney Spears is issuing some more restraining orders (girls got it rough). The orders are against Osama Lutfi and Adnan Ghalib, former friend and boyfriend respectively.

Apparently the restraining order states:

"The documents state Lutfi, Ghalib and lawyer Jon Eardley have been trying to gain control of Spears' affairs. "

If by "gain control" they mean "have sex with" and "affairs" they mean "female affairs", then I totally understand where these guys are coming(!) from.

The real article is way to long for me to read or care about. So read the full thing here if you want.

And no, I am not posting a video of that kid screaming for Britney. I shall, however post something infinity worse(or better?) in it's stead.

WARNING!! THE FOLLOWING VIDEO CONTAINS A SHOWER, A GUY, A DANCE, A BRITNEY SPEARS SINGLE, GRINDING AGAINST SAID SHOWER, REMOVAL OF CLOTHES. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.


Thanks to Dre for showing this to me, or should I not be thanking him and instead punching him in the face?

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Modest Mouse to Rock Austin in March

Definitive rockin' band Modest Mouse will be hitting up Stubb's BBQ March 4th here in Austin, Texas. They will be accompanied by Mimicking Bird.

Ticket's are on sale February 3rd over Here. Or just check back here, I'll be sure to post an update.

Hit the jump for some good stuff.

Modest Mouse - Satin in a Coffin Live on Letterman


All this excitement has me feeling as hopeless as a fly trapped in a jar!

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Jessica Simpson rockin' the Mom-Jeans

Jessica Simpson was recently rockin some mom-jeans at a concert recently.

Her less-everything sister tried to defend her horrible choice in pants.

Ashlee Simpson is wondering why everyone is questioning Jessica's choice in jeans and perhaps the few extra pounds that she put on. Personally, I think those jeans add a few pounds to the ol' crotchal area as they were intended to.

She had this to say on her blog:

"I am completely disgusted. Since when did a woman's weight become newsworthy? How can we expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we criticize a size two figure? A week after the inauguration of US President Barack Obama and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman's weight or figure. All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you're a celebrity, there shouldn't be a different standard.

I don't know what Obama has to do with her sister's pants, but you know kids nowadays, always playing the Obama card. But yes, yes a woman's weight has always been noteworthy. Always. Don't blame us guys, we aren't the one's purchasing all those "Get Skinny Now!", " X packed on some pounds then lost it! Read How! (X is what we call a variable in the set of all female celebrities)" magazines and reading the stuff. I think women have higher standards than men do.

Regarding her last statement: Yes, yes there should be a different standard for celebrity. There is a reason she is a celebrity in the first place. Is it:

A. Because she can sing
B. Because she is smart
C. Because she can act
D. Because she is smoking hot

The answer is D, even with those pants on.



Man, this post wasn't about music at all. But these people have made music, so I guess it's relevant. I really just wanted to post that bad ass pic.

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Take Another Little Piece Inaugural Edition: Kelly Clarkson -- Breaking Records, Hearts

Introducing another segment where I rant about a new love in my life, specifically the unattainable and famous women that I would bed should they choose to get naked and cook for me.
Hey, I got principles. I don't date no scrubs. This week: "Smelly" Kelly Clarkson (we gave each other pet names). Mine's "You're Done Already?". She likes to call me that in bed.




Cute-as-a-button pop singer Kelly Clarkson will make headlines today when her single "My Life Would Suck Without You" jumps from no. 92 on the Billboard Top 100 to no. 1.

With KellyBear dethroning the queen of Pop herself, I can only imagine Britney Spears was more than upset at the news. How upset, you ask? Considering Britney had the most recent record with a jump from 96 to no. 1 last year, I imagine it's not as bad as when they made her quit eating ice cream with a ladle, but worse than when they took away her children and gave them to a walking sack of FAIL.

Britney Spears, upon hearing the news that Kelly Clarkson had broken her record:

"It's aight, y'all. I don't own no records, just some cd's and one mixtape that Justin made for me. It's got Leann Rimes on it! How do I live! Hold on, I'll get it. HOW DO I LIVE??!! Damn it, can I get an auto-tuner in here or some bacon wraps or something?"

Sorry Britney, I guess the world is going to need something more from you than not-as-clever-as-you-first-think song titles. Looks like they need actual talent, nay I say -- an idol?

And considering KellyBear took the title of her single from something I screamed outside her window when I was drunk one night, I'd say she hit the nail on the head. You're welcome babe. It's okay that you've got the hands of a midget, I'll look past that. It only makes it look bigger.

Kelly Clarkson Upsets Britney's Record

I can't actually embed the video here, so here's a grown adult man with his sweater collar popped singing it on the edge of a bed or something.



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Another Lynyrd Skynyrd Member Dies

R.I.P
Jimmy Powell
1952-2009

Skynyrd keyboardist Billy Powell died earlier this morning from possible heart complications.

He is joining fellow band members who died in that oh so famous plane(not the Buddy Holly-Jimmy Valens one) crash back in '77.

Death sucks, but it happens. I would say that being in a famous rock and roll band, he didn't die too sad.

Full Story
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John Landis Suing Michael Jackson over Thriller Profits -- Jackson not Thrilled in the Least, Vincent Price still Dead

Really? John Landis is suing Michael Jackson? Doesn't he realize the guy ran out of money from the hundred other people that decided to sue him? If he thinks he's due some kind of reward for any inappropriate touching from the King of Pop, he's sorely mistaken. He should have jumped on the bandwagon years ago like the rest of us.
Oh, what's that you say? This is a completely different matter? You're telling me it's a totally logical and legitimate reason for a lawsuit?



So the director of An American Werewolf in London made a video where he turned Michael Jackson into another werewolf and is now suing aforementioned "wolfman" over unpaid royalties from the Thriller video they made over 25 years ago. Apparently, Jackson hasn't paid him in over for four years. Hmm, I wonder what Michael Jackson was doing 4 years ago? Oh, that's right. He was getting sued.

Given that the King of Pop is busy making a Broadway musical about his music, owns the Beatles, and has the Elephant Man's bones locked in a trunk in Neverland, it seems to me that this foul stench could land both him and Landis in a 40,000 year funk.
Take a minute to ponder why that's the most ridiculous sentence I've ever written, because I've written quite a few of them.

Why yes, that's correct -- it IS almost as ridiculous as a long winded sentence/passage from Virginia Woolf's To the Lighthouse!

No? Too high-brow for you? You say that this is a music blog, not a boring ENGLISH blog? Alright. You win. I LOVE SUCKING FARTS OUT OF ASSES WITH A CRAZY STRAW. CRAZY enough for you? Fucking heathens.

Below I've posted an absolutely hypnosis-inducing video on the syntax of a Virgina Woolf sentence. There are two ways to go about it: a.) skip to about 40 seconds to see what I'm talking about. or b.) see how long you last before you decide to open a few veins and just let yourself bleed out in front of your computer. I went with A. Personal decision. I already read the goddamned thing.



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Arcade Fire Turn Down Grammys

Or weren't invited this year.

It is the same thing according to the band.


The oddly looking band Arcade Fire weren't invited this year's Grammy awards ceremonies, and they say they could care less and are in fact "relieved" about it. I'm no musician (trust me I tried by purchasing a guitar back in 8th grade, turns out you have to learn and practice and all this crap), but I think I would probably want to go to the Grammys for the fact that with a Grammy in hand, you are probably worth more [business wise, not really worth a damn (read: Kanye West)]. But then they do list a very valid reason that I can understand:

• No free food or drinks
• $75 hotdogs

Yes, that did say $75 hotdogs!! I'm with the Fire now, fuck the Grammys! Let's go buy a shitload of hotdogs instead!

Full Story Here

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Dredg: Taking Standing Around Wistfully Too Literally for 4 Years and Counting...

It's been four years. FOUR YEARS since Dredg's last venture into giving me audio orgasms, and that they did. I swear to God, after listening to El Cielo, I needed to smoke a cigarette.


Dear Dredg: More of this --


LESS OF THIS.




And please put down the lens flares for a second and focus on the slide guitar.

According to Dredg:

"We are currently in the middle of mixing and putting the final touches on our new record and are on schedule for an April release. Unfortunately, our original March 24 release date has been pushed back due to unavoidable consequences and our constant search for perfection."

Anyway -- watch that release date get pushed back until September. And perfection? To have pushed an album date back about 10 times, with each the hopeless despair inside me growing like a void, I can only hope what they give me after 4 years of waiting is so perfect I can't help but both cry and ejaculate just thinking about the songs. Yeah, I might be in public and there may be women present -- but who cares, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. That's how I roll.


If this is any indication of the 'perfection' that we'll be receiving come July, then it looks like my dick is staying in my pants. I might just have to think of El Cielo while I'm listening to it.

And while I'll defend their talent to my dying day, I'm getting pretty sick and tired of being strung along like a mouse in a maze with the promise of cheese.
Let's just hope it's brie waiting for me and not a guillotine.
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Metallica coming to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

I don't listen to Metal mostly, but I do love me some 'tallica every now and then. But I always thought of them as pop-metal because hell, I heard about them in Brownsville, Texas. I doubt any real metal makes it there.
Hit the jump for more.

Death Magnetic, the band's latest, is up for four Grammys(Best Rock Album, Best Recording Package, Best Rock Instrumental Performance, Best Metal Performance). I haven't listened to Death Magnetic in a while, so my memory is a bit fuzzy, but what I do remember upon first listen was this:

Thank God! Not another St. Anger!

Because, let's face it, St.Anger was an okay-at-best album, but it wasn't Metallica. But even now you hear Hetfield talking about his family, and trying to control his anger, blah blah blah. These are some very very un-metal things to be doing. At that point, I think throwing in the towel is the best option. But first, come play in Austin dammit!

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Thriller Coming to Broadway!

I am no Broadway expert by any means, having not seen any Broadway shows. I am in fact a fan of musicals (it's rare for one I like though), and the announcement of some M.J. Thriller makes me as happy as a little boy! Wait, that's probably not good in these circumstances.

So some dude named James Nederlander (credits: Lena Horne: The Lady and her Music, whatever the hell that is) is willing to bring the idea to life. He plan's on using music from other albums because, well, it's a musical and you need music the whole show. But you can't go wrong with Thriller.

Embedding is disabled for every music video on Youtube, so here's a live one:


Full Story Here

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The Weekly Who-Gives-A-Shit Award: Inaugural Edition

So I decided that, like a healthy dose of Dulcolax, we all need a little regularity every once in a while. Because of this, I introduce my new article, the Weekly Who-Gives-A-Shit Award. In our inaugural edition, who better to ring in a failing economy than the ultimate example of failure himself, Mr. Kevin Federline nee' Spears.

Apparently, enough people care that he isn't going to be in Dancing with the Stars to start a rumor that he was going to be dancing in the first place. And my problem with K-Fed isn't the fact that his music is so terrible it makes me want to watch a Marky Mark/Funky Bunch/Vanilla Ice Reunion Tour just to cleanse my palate, it's that his decline has been so strung out and pathetic that even hating him has become completely irrelevant. I can only compare K-Fed to being like a large mining vessel in orbital decay that's found its way back from the far reaches of Hell, and anyone who still talks about this set of clown shoes in ANY light is like that ragtag group of astronauts on a suicide mission to bring it back.

Oh, so you say that Event Horizon analogy didn't make any sense? NEITHER DOES BRINGING UP KEVIN FEDERLINE. EVER. If you can name one reason this guy is still around, then I'd love to hear it. I mean, he's not even entertaining us by using his children as sympathy leverage in a dragging divorce battle.

Congratulations, Mr. Federline. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOU ANYMORE.



The fact alone that I Googled this image and clicked the first thing I saw means that I gave K-Fed about 10 seconds of more fame than he deserves. Piece of shit.

AND NOW, TO CLEANSE YOUR PALATE:



K-Fed Not Joining Dancing with the Stars

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Good Music (read: Radiohead) at the Grammys

It will be the band's first ever time performing at the show held on February 8th in the city of angels.

This Grammys (or is it Grammies??), will also mark another momentous occasion: I will watch a Grammy show! Well, that's not entirely true, I could just as easily enjoy a Youtube video of the concert later and not have to watch the rest of the shit. I'll debate over it.

Also regarding this year's Grammy Awards, Lil' Wayne is LEADING the nominations. He's not just IN there, he is LEADING it. How? Goddammit if I know.

Full Story here.

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Finally, I Have a Zune Cable Again

Finally got a Zune cable after a friend's fucked up on New Year's Eve when all the Zunes decided to take a holiday, a day henceforth known as "Z2K"(sounds like the zombie apocalypse, but it's a lot lamer and there's less fucking-shit-up going on). Either way, it's getting harder and harder to defend this mp3 player, but the software -- oh my, that software keeps me hooked, anything to keep from staring at that goddamn Excel spreadsheet that is iTunes.
Anyway, all it needed was a hard reset and it was good to go. He's still going to sell it sans-cable on ebay. Good deal for me.

So I've got a Zune cable, so goodbye "Greatest Hits of Lisa Loeb"!



Okay, maybe not all of them. She's just so damn cute.

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13 Year Old Body's Found -- 18 Year Old Boyfriend Arrested

An 18 year-old dude was arrested after they found his 13 year-old girlfriend's body less than a mile from her house. She'd been missing since October. What does this have to do with music? Find out after the hyper.

Apparently, the two were fans of the Juggalo scene, that is, they were fans of shit hop duo Insane Clown Posse. If you don't remember ICP, they sounded like House of Pain's retarded younger brother (which means they were really, really mentally disabled and should have been put out of their misery at an early age). Apparently, Juggaloes (like Deadheads of terrible music) are known for violent gang activity -- I just remember them as the weird kids in high school who painted their faces and scowled all the time.

Now, while I don't support people listening to music that I can only describe as the aural equivalent of sticking your dick in a meat grinder, it seems that alot of people like to scapegoat the music for incidents like this, citing ICP's horror-themed screaming and violent lyrics as a possible cause of violent behavior. But what they fail to understand is that it's ignorant to assume that the music is the cause of the violence, when it could just be that violent people are attracted to violent music.

Whether it's Judas Priest or Marilyn Manson, it seems like people (i.e.; PARENTS) find it easy to point the finger at the artist (if that's what you'd like to call ICP), when they have absolutely nothing to do with the crime.
One of the weirdest things about this situation is that this THIRTEEN YEAR OLD girl's parents were fully aware of her relationship with this man, and they didn't do a goddamned thing about it. I'm pretty sure I can point the finger at who's really to blame for this mess.

Here's an ICP video and a juggalo poem, just so you can see how hard it is to imagine people this lame committing crimes.


And that leads me to my final question: There are STILL Juggaloes around?




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Britney Spears' Song getting Protested

Recent born-again hottie, Britney Spears has a song hitting the airwaves off her new CD called Circus that has some parent's panties all up in a bunch. The song "If U Seek Amy", they claim sounds like "F-U-C-K Amy" when you say it...and it does! Sweet!


I haven't actually listened to the song because I have at least a shred of self-respect, but the story is interesting.

The parent's big gripe is that they play the song during times when children are listening, and think it is corrupting their minds. Now, I don't know if they check out any of the other music their kids are listening to(no, because parents nowadays don't do their jobs) other than just the titles, but if they are concerned about what their kids are taking in off the radio waves, there would be no pop music of the day.

Full Story via Yahoo!

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Slightly Stoopid April 4th @ Stubb's BBQ

Sublime-ish band Slightly Stoopid will be playing at Stubb's BBQ here in Austin, Texas Saturday 4th. You can get tickets already for about $20 over at Stubb's site. Hit the jump for one of their songs if you haven't heard them.

Slightly Stoopid also just hit in on #7 on Zia Records for this past week (ending Jan 18, 2009).

Check it, this is "Somebody" off Closer to the Sun.

I also highly recommend getting some of their acoustic things, very good stuff.

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Stephen Colbert - Trance Remix for Club Grindin'

Yes. I have no more words for this video other than YES.

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Satanic Rock -- Almost as Terrible as Christian Rock?

The advent *ahem* of Christian rock has astounded me, having taken the world by storm with the likes of shitburgers like Family Force 5 and Relient K. The fact alone that I can name ANY Christian Rock band other than DC Talk means we already have a problem.
On the other hand, Satanic Metal, in all its cacophonous noise-driven fury, has somehow stood the test of time, telling me that either the power of Satan is greater than I previously thought, or there really are enough people out there with a rampant desire to listen to music that I can only imagine is the equivalent of getting a bunch of 5 year olds hopped up on pixie sticks and giving them instruments to bang the shit out of.

I think about the two, about Christian Rock and Black Metal, and I can't come to a conclusion about which one I honestly hate more. I mean, where would you assume black metal came from? I could see it coming from some war-torn state where corpses outnumber living humans, or where the landscape has been ravaged by huge machines trampling the earth, spewing toxic venom into the atmosphere and killing all living things.
Alas, black metal isn't from any of those places that I just mentioned. It's from Norway. NORWAY. THE MOST PEACEFUL COUNTRY ON THE PLANET EARTH. So what if that's where the vikings were from -- just because your ancestors were badass doesn't mean you are. That's the same as that weird kid at school who paints his face and colors his hair and wears his dad's old military fatigues, but you know deep down that if he were ever in the shit, there'd be a beatdown and a sock full of 9-volt batteries waiting for him.



On the other hand, at least you can give them kudos for trying. Christian Rock is so sugary I could scrape one of those power-chord friendly ballads and cut crack with it. In either form, teenagers are still going to buy it. I sometimes wonder whatever happened to the odes to girlfriend-beating that Britney professed or the beautiful wavy innuendos that the genie herself Xtina asked me to rub her with (read: my penis)?

So I'm trying an experiment. I played two videos -- one Dimmu Borgir's "Sacreligious Scorn" and the other Family Force 5's "Love Addict". The control I used to cleanse my palate between these two atrocities (I can't say I'm not biased) for this experiment was Dredg's "the Canyon Behind Her", quite possibly the greatest song ever written. I'm pretty much going to see how long I last before laughing or turning away in disgust.


I'll post my findings later.


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Arctic Monkeys with some new songs

One of my more favorite bands of the generation unveiled some new songs at the Big Day Out Festival down under. Not being in Australia, all I can get is some crappy Youtube videos, but better then nothing!

WARNING! Horrible sound quality clips after the jump.

Dangerous Animals

So, this is supposed to be a "Clean Quality" video, but it still sounds pretty crappy. I am digging the bass line rocking it out. I would try to interpret some lyrics, but with the bad quality and his accent it's pretty damn hard. Not one of their more rocking songs, but the slow pace is pretty haunting (plus he sounds like a ghost or something in this recording).

Pretty Visitors

This one is a bit different, it starts off with some keyboard, which is a bit un-monkey. It is pretty rocking sounding during the keyboard solos with the drums though.

Crying Lightning

Another haunting sounding song. Has a pretty sweet bass solo the crowd goes crazy for at around 2:40, then goes into some crazy noise. On to the next one!

Go-Kart

Also known around the Internets as "Would You Like To Build Me a Go-Kart", but over at the official site it's just "Go Kart". I'm running out of things to say with the quality so shitty, but I think this one might be my favorite. It get's really fun sounding music wise, so give this one a listen if you want to listen to one.


All in all, I am going to have to wait for some decent recordings or somebody to leak some studio shit. I love the Arctic Monkeys, so all is well as long as they are making music.

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New Logo

Finally got rid of that shitty default Blogger logo. As far as ideas were concerned, a few came to mind while making this masterpiece.

Rest of post here.

The first thing I thought of when coming up with the Denoiser Logo was ATTITUDE. Then as soon as I was done acting like a child, I decided to design a proper logo. What I needed were ideas: So I beseeched the Almighty Capital G itself for ideas.

1. Beethoven with Headphones. He's deaf! Get it?! Oh wait. You mean you've seen that 100 times before? Alrighty then! Moving on!

2. My second was a cartoon of an ear and a nose having a conversation. The ear would say, "Hey, do you hear that?" And the nose would say, "No. But I smell Bullshit." That idea died when I quickly discovered that neither noses nor ears have mouths to "speak of".

3. My third idea came to me in a dream, and I recite it as I did unto Pharaoh. Hark, I saw an earhorn, and from it was bestowed an old woman, who shouted, "Thou Sayest What?!" That made no sense to me, so I scrapped it.

4. Finally. Finally, in the wee hours of the morning. I made a list: Things I Love. Chicks, El Caminos, Explosions. Things I Hate: iPods. Guns with the Safety On. Children. Things not Exploding.

Alas, I had found it. I was concentrating too much on things I loved, never on things I hate. Denoiser is as much about things we hate as it is about things we adore. Probably even moreso. So there it was, sitting like a glorious chalice in the arms of Zeus himself -- the shimmering Grail to our Shitty Blog that no one reads. Not Yet.

p.s. Yes, that's the Nirvana font. It was a complete coincidence. Or was it fate?
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Song Mix-up: Pure Morning and Friend With Weed

!=

This story is to prevent the confusion and humiliation that I felt.

So, I have this song in my playlist for, I don't know, a year or four. Then one day I hear it on the radio followed by : And that was Placebo's Pure Morning.
EARTH.SHATTERED.

Back in my youngin' days, I just downloa..err..bought single tracks off of this thing called Kazzaa, then Limewire. (None of this fancy iSpendMoney shit that you kids use nowadays) Anywho, way back when I discovered the nifty little band known as the Butthole Surfers, I get a few of their songs. This one I get "Friend with Weed" is rocking, and hell, it sounds like them.

Then I found out the truth. However, I am not convinced, so I ask the Almighty , and I get this. So apparently I am not the only one who has had this confusion.
However, in true investigative journalist fashion, I find that Placebo is in fact the true artist.

Moral of the story, use torrents. Shit's more organized.

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John Popper+Pedicab+7 Gin and Tonics = Last Saturday Night

I saw John Popper in a pedicab downtown the other day. He was alone. I have no idea why. I wondered if he paid for his cab with a sweet harmonica solo.



Alas, he was driving away and I had only so much time to ask him the important harmonica-blues related questions that have drifted in my mind in the case of encountering him. That being said, I did what any interviewer itching to kickstart a conversation would do, the same thing I imagine David Frost had written down right before he beat Nixon down with a barrage of questions that left him tacitly guilt-ridden, regretful of agreeing to the interview, and possibly/probably suicidal.

I shouted, "Hey John Popper! Hey John Popper!"

In response to my hard-hitting question, he lifted his two index fingers and waved in a peace-like fashion. It was then, and only then, that I knew I had gotten him right here, in his heart.

And, as he slowly drove away, I found myself asking the one question that I'd have to ask John Popper in the slim chance that I'd ever see him again: did he have to pay for two pedicab tickets? Because he's fat.

P.S. I was drunk.

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Aretha Franklin, Say Whaaat?

Guess I will be busting this blog's cherry with this funny little bit I was informed of:

Rock and Roll Hall of Famer, Aretha Franklin, performed "My Country Tis of Thee" at Obama's inauguration today. Is it just me, or does she have a dirty mouth?




Listen in at about 00:20 - 00:24, and listen with the mindset of an immature boy, and don't tell me you don't hear that. That pause. Listen to that pause.

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