Michael Jackson, Prince, the Beatles, and Modest Mouse

So I have been on a bit of hiatus with school and all (and the lack of anything interesting in the music news). But here you go, a four-dose of music shit!

Michael Jackson


The King of Pop supposedly has a couple hundred songs just sitting around unreleased. That is, until his DEATH! And only his children are going to get to hear them after he moves on to the next thriller.
He also plans to reverse his very "dick" move of buying the rights to the Beatles music from Sir McCartney by giving them back to him after he dies also. "Why wait until you die?" you may ask, well considering it's Michael Jackson, I don't think we can really ask him to explain much.
Story Here

The Beatles


So, when you think of getting a degree you usually think of something boring that requires much too much work that you probably won't enjoy, correct? Well YOU'RE WRONG! A Liverpool University is offering a degree in The Beatles! Some can argue that this is a useless degree, but then you can call them a damn dirty communist! It's a Yellow Submarine, not a red one!
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Prince

The Purple One is releasing a new box set on March 29th, which will be available on the internet exclusively at Target. Know I know how stupid 1337 is, but I can make some exceptions for Prince when he title's 2 of the 3 albums in the set LOtUSFLOW3R and MPLSoUND, the latter rather just stupid than 1337. But the third one is called Elixir, and cures the naming issues of the first two (Because an elixir does similarly!!1).
I'm just waiting to see how they do a Target commercial for this. Clash of the Red and Purple! They would have had a smoother take with a White Stripes box set.
Story Here

Modest Mouse
So the Modest Mouse show here in Austin was last night. It was pretty damn sweet apart from a $4 beer(bet I could drink just one!). I took some pictures, but I doubt they were any good so I may post them later when I figure out how to extract them from this camera. I tried to get back stage and get an interview going, but for some reason they didn't know who or what the hell "Denoiser" was!? Assholes.

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Being for the Benefit of Mr. Me: Beatles Coming out on Rock Band Sept 9

So the Fab Four did it again. They're going to make video game history by being the number one selling video game rhythm music track pack. Suck it, Guitar Hero.

On 9.9.09, the Beatles will make their video game debut on Harmonix's Rock Band. It will be sold by itself or with Beatles-themed instruments for a hell of a lot more money. I can't play regular guitar left-handed, so I sure as shit can't play fake guitar left handed. And I can only imagine how boring drums are going to be. Hiyo!

Available on 9/9/09:
• The Beatles: Rock Band Software - Xbox 360, PLAYSTATION 3, Wii: $59.99 MSRP
• The Beatles: Rock Band Standalone Guitars - Xbox 360, PLAYSTATION 3, Wii: $99.99 MSRP
• The Beatles: Rock Band Limited Edition Premium Bundle: Xbox 360, PLAYSTATION 3, Wii: $249.99 MSRP

This is about as close we get to seeing the real Beatles play, people, so appreciate it.

http://www.thebeatlesrockband.com/



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Musicians Play To Hospital Patients

Musicians On Call, a non-profit organization is set up to bring the music to recovering hospital patients.

So now I just need to go get injured for some free shows! Cuts are good, they can't turn down a bleeder, right? Now, was it horizontal or vertical to not be deadly? Dammit, I can never remember this one.

Update:
Shit! Think I did the wro



It's purpose is to raise the moral and help in recovery by providing such artists as John Mayer, Gavin DeGraw (because people who like country go to hospitals too) , Match Box Twenty's Rob Thomas, Seal, among others.

A noble cause indeed. And lets face it, in these times ticket prices might as well cost you an arm and a leg! Heyoooo!

Full Story Here


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Jamaica Run By Old White People?

It may seem the case seeing that the Jamaican Regulators (sounds like a hockey team) are banning all explicit forms of sex and violence from the airwaves.

More importantly, it is targeted against "daggering". If you don't know what daggering is, well it's like dry hump dancing but more-so than what our club hoes do.

Hit the Jump for a prime example of the aptly titled "Daggering" by Mr.Vegas

Now, I always viewed the Jamaicans (albeit, stereotypically)as laid back and chilled as a mu'fucka. But, I guess I was wrong. They are attacking music talking about sex,rape, arson, murder. Well, god dammit, what the hell are artists SUPPOSED to talk about? Holding Hands? Love? Baking Cakes?

Nah, mon! It's all about Daggering.

Jump to 1:23 to see just how great this shit is.


Full Story Here

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Rihanna Beaten Photo Leaked

I saw this last night, but was too tired to post. And the original article I saw this on didn't exist anymore so I had to do some Googling. Anyways, here's the pic:

That, according to TMZ, is after Chris Brown layed the smack-down on his girlfriend Rihanna.

The police are investigating who could have leaked this photo, so I am assuming it is really her. Either way, bad news for Chris Brown. Good news if it hurts his case.

Chris Brown, who I think is a piece of shit, said he was recently "sorry". Well, if that photo is real, then sorry just ain't gunna cut it Chris! But I think he will learn his lesson if he serves a few years in Federal Pound-Me-In-The-Ass Prison.

Story Here

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Hey Joe, Where You Goin' With That Bottle Of Vodka In Your Hand?

If you are a fan of Jimi Hendrix and an alcoholic, then you have perhaps heard of and had some Hendrix Electric Vodka. Well, this thing is on it's way to becoming a collector's item since it will no longer be made anymore.

Jimi's half-brother and his business partner Craig Dieffenbach created the vodka in 2005. Things would have been all hunky-dorey if they would have opted out of using Jimi's likeness and signature on the vodka label. But then again, how else would they sell it?

Experience Hendrix, the rightful owners of Jimi's image and fame filed a suit and reached a $3.2 million settlement with the two businessmen which also forces them to stop producing the vodka.

Experience Hendrix argued that the vodka was promoted in poor taste since Hendrix died of a sleeping pill overdose.

I would have personally called it Purple Haze if it wasn't taken already by some shitty beer.



Full Story

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Why Go Once? Pearl Jam Releases Ten Again, Keeps the Even Flow Alive, Like Looking from The Porch Garden at the Vast Deep Black Oceans. Jeremy.

Not to be confused with the new studio album they're working on, Pearl Jam is reissuing a remixed Ten, their hit 1991 album that taught me what an aural orgasm, or an "aurgasm" (it only works in print) was. And get this, it's even more just as awesome as the original! So think Bush's Deconstructed, just not shitty!

On March 24th, Pearl Jam continues its trend of kicking rock and roll's ass with the remixed version of Ten, which will include all 11 (I know, that grunge is so unconventional!) of Ten's Remastered originals, plus Remixed Versions of the songs, and some Bonus Tracks! *Cream :)* I can't contain myself, I keep capitalizing everything. I feel so German. You see that headline up there? That's the kind of Creativity a Degree in English will get you (i.e.;Jack squat I write for a shitty blog)

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Jon Anderson of the band Yes has the asthma. This is not something that singers should have. Either way, the affirmative band is canceling their tour and play dates through the 24th.

The band posted on their site that they are canceling for "unforeseen medical reasons", but it's probably just the asthma attack since it's only until the end of this month. They canceled their original tour last summer for the reason of Anderson having a pretty bad attack.

That asthma will fuck you up from what I've heard, so completely understandable.



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My Bad! Chris Brown Apologizes, All is Forgiven

Chris "Tommy Lee' Brown issued a public apology today for his behavior regarding recent events surrounding him beating the shit out of his girlfriend. In it, he reminds us that 'to err' is human. Well, I guess he's right -- it's about as human as tears and bruises and handcuffs.

Brown issued this formal apology, as opposed to the informal kind, that involved roses and a large "Sorry I Hospitalized You" Card:

"Words cannot begin to express how sorry and saddened I am over what transpired. I am seeking the counseling of my pastor, my mother and other loved ones and I am committed, with God's help, to emerging a better person. Much of what has been speculated or reported on blogs and/or reported in the media is wrong. While I would like to be able to talk about this more, until the legal issues are resolved, this is all I can say except that I have not written any messages or made any posts to Facebook, on blogs or any place else. Those posts or writing under my name are frauds."

It perplexes me how over the past week or so there seems to have formed a dividing line, one that separates the Rihanna camp and the Brown one, with some saying that Chris "is a good guy", and that "they'll work it out," completely disregarding the police reports and the hospital visit. A Criminal Threat isn't just a love smite. It's defined as:

"Any person who willfully threatens to commit a crime which will result in death or great bodily injury to another person, with the specific intent that the statement, made verbally, in writing, or by means of an electronic communication device, is to be taken as a threat."

That's the equivalent of saying, "I'm going to fucking kill you."

The fact of the matter is that whether or not Rihanna is a crazy bitch who went apeshit on him, Brown feeding her a knuckle sandwich for dinner isn't going ever to fix the problem. All it's going to do is ruin your career and turn you into fucking Vader in the eyes of America.

And while he spent the bulk of the letter downplaying his actions, never once does he admit that he is seeking any kind of professional help for his problems. God and loved ones can only do so much. And from what I've heard, he puts the blame on loved ones as the reason he behaves like this in the first place.

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30 Seconds To Mars Heading In a "New" Creative Direction

Hopefully it is one with a lot less finger gloves, eye liner, and bitch ass sound.

In a recent interview with Billboard, the band is working on a new album that lead actor Jared Leto wants to be a new creative step for the band who thus far sounds like every other band with the same look.

Interview Here
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Nude Photo of Madonna Sells for 37,500 Dollars, Somehow this is News (NSFW!!!)

Look, we're sucking you in with a 5 year old picture! And now we're keeping you here! Woohoo! Our first NSFW post! And by Not Safe for Work, we mean home, office, playground, motor vehicle, or any other place that puts you in a position to commit either suicide or homicide. Or both. So don't click the hyper unless you want the bodies to start piling up. The sweaty, naked bodies.

I TOLD YOU. A nude photo of pop singer Madonna was sold at Christie's Auction House for 37,500 dollars this past week. The singer, who is known to make shitty movies and bang married, disgraced latino baseball stars, took the picture in 1979. The winning bidder, on the other hand, is obviously blind, or using this picture to test the threshold of human will needed to keep from tearing one's eyes out. Or maybe he thought it was a picture of the Virgin Mary naked. I don't know how these things work, I'm NOT CATHOLIC. But I know some of you sick bastards are.

Either way, didn't this guy realize that a naked picture of Madonna is about as common as a stripper with a c-section? Seriously, I just posted the picture below and literally saved myself and all of you 37,500 dollars. But I suppose you did pay for it with mental scars. Sorry, I'm gonna have to go Chinese Dollar Store on you and say "No Refunds" on mental scarring.
Just in case you were wondering, here's a video for an effective cure to unseeing things.


While we're on the subject, I'd like to let all of you know that I also sell naked photos of myself, . Well, it's more like I take a bunch of pictures of my wang and toss them at women from the bed of a pickup truck, but they still have a lot of uses. You can put one in a field to scare the birds away, or put it on your lawn to scare squirrels away, or threaten your boyfriend to use it instead of him, or measure VERY large things with it. I print them 1:1 scale, so I have to use a posterboard. Or three.

UPDATE: These things are selling like hotcakes. Someone get the ShamWow guy on the phone! Stat!

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Eminem Beats Rihanna

in having his song downloaded more than her and T.I.'s "Live Your Life"!

His song which features the likes of Dre and Fitty. Their song "Crack a Bottle" sold 418,000 downloads, and hit up numero uno on Billboards Hot 100.

The song is kinda slow and boring to me. Dre sounds cool as always, but I think its really just Eminem's singing that bothers me, particularly the chorus. Plus the song is called "Crack a Bottle", god dammit. Enough of these clubs songs, we get it. But I don't know, I definitely am not a hip-hop expert, so hit the jump for the song.


Full Story Here

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White Stripes And Conan

The White Stripes will be playing on Conan's farewell episode on February 20th as he moves to take over the chinny Jay Leno's spot. Conan has the best late night show, so now just another reason to catch that last episode that we already knew will be great.

This will be the duo's first live performance since '07 and it's about damn time. I was supposed to see them at ACL that year, but Meg had some mental issues or something. And yet, Jack didn't play! I'm still annoyed by this, anyways hit the jump for some previous tits performances the Stripes did on Conan.



Full Story Ova Here

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Joaquin Phoenix, A Rapper Off His Fucking Rocker

Joaquin Phoenix joined the ranks of Joan Crawford and Marlon Brando in the Hall of Batshit Crazy Actors when he showed up on Letterman in a state that can only be described as a level above completely catatonic. The only difference is, Crawford and Brando went nuts at the end of their careers, not smack-dab in the fucking middle of them. Video of the interview after the hyper, loosely translated as JESUS CHRIST YOU HAVE TO WATCH THE INTERVIEW.

The notable Roman sister-fucker and Cash impersonator quit his acting career late last year to pursue one in hip-hop. While some would say this idea was eccentric, it doesn't help that he's filming it all while taking himself entirely too seriously. Rap, in itself, is not a particularly serious medium of music -- and hobo beards and sunglasses don't lend themselves to the genre, either. Because I know the world only exists in black and white, I've whittled it down to only two conclusions, as I so often do.

1.) He knows exactly what he's doing, and he's going to have the last laugh when he finally reveals that he never expected anyone to take his grifter ass seriously. He's making a documentary about it, and he's a method actor, so why would he break character when he's going Mickey Rourke on the world? Would Borat break character just because somebody threatened to call the cops on him? No. He'd just thumbs up and try to fellate the female officer while she handcuffed him. Andy Kaufman did it, so I see no reason Phoenix wouldn't try.

2.) He's fucking nuts. I'm thinking maybe the death of his brother is barely hitting him, and this is his way of lashing out.

There are two sides to this coin, but the first side is definitely a lot heavier (that means I think he's a fucking loon.)



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Say Bye to the Soothing Sounds of Elevator Music

It is sad news indeed my dear friends! The leading company of elevator/store music is filing for bankruptcy. Apparently they are up to $500 million dollars in debt. You may be asking yourself "Oh Frank, how has this come to be? Who is to blame?". Well, hit the jump for the facts^!

(^ - my theory)

It's all your fault! That's right, I'm talking to all you kids stealing the music from the internet tubes. How do you expect the company to pull in any money if you just download their music and listen to it in you home? No wonder they only have $50,000 worth of assets.

Now we're going to have to listen to the local hits station, and you know what that means. God. Dammit.

Full Story Here

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Academy of Country Music Awards Happens, No One Cares

So, apparently there is a specific awards show just for Country music. (What? The Grammys aren't enough?) And Brad Paisley is leading nominations. I've only heard one of his songs, or maybe two? They all sound the same so I can't tell.

I think it's still going on, as I'm just going by whatever the feeds tell me, but I'll be sure to let y'all know! As for now, I have to go for a drive in the Ford and think about sensitive, yet manly, things.

Hit the jump for the corny song I enjoy.

All the official videos on Youtube (the first one I tried) was blocked for embedding by THE MAN, so here's a shitty user made one.

Maybe me talking shit about country will finally get some damn comments on here??? PLEEAAAASE!

Story Here

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Stevie Wonder performs with the Jonas Brothers?

I thought Stevie was blind, not deaf? What the hell man?

He even uses a fucking auto-tuner?! What the hell is going on? I guess when you need money, you need money. He performed at this year's Grammys awards with the teenagers.

If only Stevie could see how this performance makes him look.

Hit the jump for a video of the performance.

We were raised on Stevie Wonder and his music," added Kevin. "We were blown away. To be at the Grammys for the first time performing with Stevie Wonder was awesome."

Sure you did kid.

Not sure how long Youtube will be hosting this since all the other ones have been taken down.
Hit for around 3:10 to lose all hope.


Full Story Here

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Chris Brown Assaults Rihanna, Perpetuates Stereotypes

The iGeneration's Ike Turner has finally revealed himself after he assaulted singer girlfriend Rihanna this past Saturday.



Chris "Bitch done Looked at Me Wrong" Brown is looking at 9 years after being booked on Criminal Threat charges against his girlfriend Rihanna "Umbrella" I Don't Know Her Last Name. It seems he got into an altercation with the Caribbean Queen after they realized they shared different dreams, and decided to bring the civilized debate they were having to a close by giving her the old one-two.

While there's no video of the incident, I imagine the altercation was an amalgamation of two scenarios.

Either A.) Replace the gum with Rihanna.


Or B.) Make Kelly black.

A spokeswoman for Brown's label declined comment. Rihanna's publicist, Amanda Silverman, would only tell E! News that the 20-year-old "Disturbia" singer was involved in an unspecified traffic mishap. "Rihanna is well," the rep said. "Thank you for concern and support."
Per department policy, police declined to identify the alleged victim in the incident, which occurred about 12:30 a.m. in the Hancock Park area, apparently as the two were heading home from Clive Davis' annual pre-Grammy bash, where they had been all smiles.
In a statement, police say Brown and his companion "became involved in an argument. After stopping his car, Brown and the woman got out and the argument escalated. The woman suffered visible injuries and identified Brown as her attacker."
By the time officers arrived on the scene, Brown had split.

Update: Not one to dodge his Lowest Common Denominator status, Chris Brown apparently threatened to kill her as well. Suffice it to say, he probably won't be crooning about the minty freshness of doublemint gum anytime soon. Because he'll be too busy getting raped in prison. Piece of shit.

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Grammys (Grammies?) Were Last Night: This Week's Who-Gives-A-Shit

I didn't watch the Grammys last night, because I try to keep my journalistic integrity intact, and I don't want the bias of mass media impeding on my lyrical criticisms of the genre. Oh, and I was watching Ace Ventura 2.

So I looked up the winners, and let me tell you, were there some surprises! Given that there are 110 categories, and I'm not nearly douchey enough to list them all, especially since all 8 of you that read this shit probably don't care, I'm only going to list the most important ones. Or at least those that I find most important, which are none, but whatever, here we go.

Record of the Year -- Robert Plant and Allison Krauss for "Please Read the Letter"
Album of the Year -- Robert Plant and Allison Krauss for Raising Sand

Someone throw Allison Krauss an EDS1275 so I can squint my eyes and think Led Zeppelin won!


Song of the Year -- Viva la Vida by Coldplay.

Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, right? And on another note, how the fuck is this category different from Record of the Year?

Surprises of the Night:

Best Electronic/Dance and Best Electronic Single - Daft Punk's Alive 2007, and Harder Better Faster Stronger.

WTF? A 2-year old Album and an 8-year old song win in 2009 just because an untalented hack sampled it and a couple of chicks put boxes on their heads and danced around in their underwear?

Lil' Wayne won the Award for Ugliest MotherFucker on the Planet (oh wait, he won all the Rap Awards, and I've never even heard a Lil' Wayne song). Peter Gabriel won an Award for a Song that wasn't Sledgehammer (Although I'd still give him Grammys for that sweet-ass gem). I stopped giving a shit right after that.

THERE ARE 110 CATEGORIES. That means if you made music in 2008, fuck it -- if you made a noise that changed pitch over a prolonged period of time, you probably got a Grammy.

Other than that, it was pretty uninteresting. Chris Brown beat up Rihanna, U2 sang some shit, Miley Cyrus is somehow still relevant, and Mussorgsky won for Best Surround Sound Album (whatever that means). He's been dead for like 150 Years. Too bad Heath Ledger didn't make any songs.

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Who Listens To The Watchmen?

Movie score composer Tyler Bates is teaming up with director Zack Snyder(slow motion advocate)again to score the music for Warner Brother's upcoming graphic novel adaptation of Watchmen. Alan Moore still doesn't give a fuck.

More info of how it might sound after the jump.

Bates said, in an interview, that the music is going to be taking some of the feel of the 60s-80s (when the novel takes place) and will have a more ambient quality. Which is good, considering narration is a bit part of Watchmen.

He also said he will be teaming up with Lisa Papineau on some vocals.

Pretty sweet sounding if you ask me. The music hits stores(and the Internet!) February 24th. It will have to satisfy some sort of Watchmen fix.

Full Interview Here

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Fuck Ticketmaster

I'm not going to see Modest Mouse. I'm not going to see Flight of the Conchords. Why? Because FUCK paying 20 dollars in surcharges just because some fucking Monopoly says so.

I went to a Dave Matthews Band Concert about 7 years ago, and I paid 35 dollars. Sure, they were lawn seats, and I didn't have a chair, but at least I didn't get reamed up the ass. Why would anybody pay 50 dollars to see Modest Mouse OR FOTC? If I wanted to watch two dudes sit on stools and play funny songs on guitars, then I'd probably just watch the show or the million youtube videos they already have online. And Modest Mouse? As much as I love them, seeing Isaac Brock get fucking drunk and forget his songs on my tab isn't really worth it to me. I can take those fifty bucks and buy myself a much better time, all the while listening to the already incoherent ramblings of Mr. Brock on my stereo.

I remember when Pearl Jam tried boycotting TicketMaster back in the 90's. No, I didn't care at the time, considering my main concerns were Star Wars and Judy Blume, but now, thinking about it, I'm glad they did. Because it didn't even make a dent in the system. Thanks, grunge -- your disparaging apathy towards the status quo has yet again been rendered completely useless, as useless as the genre itself.

FUCK YOU.

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Axl Wants To Kill Slash To Reunite GNR

Axl Rose stated in his first official interview regarding his new album Chinese Democracy that

"...one of the two of us will die before a reunion and however sad, ugly or unfortunate anyone views it, it is how it is."

What could this possibly mean? Oh, I believe you know what it must mean...

ROCK AND ROLL DEATH MATCH!!!

Being a fan of Guns n' Roses (some songs are just rocking), I wouldn't mind the two reuniting. And if this means death, then so be it! Even better, there could be some sort of video game spin-off kind. Mortal Kombat style!

I don't like anything I've heard off of Chinese Democracy, so instead here's a video of Welcome to the Jungle (back when the two dudes were bffs)

Shanu-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-neeeeeez kneeeez!
Full Story Here

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FOTC Tickets On Sale, Not Cheap!

Tickets for their Austin show for March 4th are sale now here.

Holy shit! I just spent more money on a comedy group than a band! I wasn't even thinking! I guess this is why I save.
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Pearl Jam Heading To The Studio, Someone Pass Me A Kleenex

Pearl Jam will be hitting up the studio soon, they tell Rolling Stone, to record their 9th studio album, which they will be releasing on their own. It's been 3 years since they release the self-titled Pearl jam (which has one of the sweetest covers EVER!), and it's about god-damned time I say!

It will be the first album they record with Yield producer Brendan O’Brien. I just can't get wait to have some new material to "Vedder-sing-along" to. You know what I mean, singing Vedder style, unintelligeble yet bad ass sounding lyrics. Eddie Vedder Face Optional.


And of course looking forward to various takes on the lyrics:


Full Story over at Rolling Stone

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T.I Going to Jail, Might As Well Make A Reality Show

Some kid named Clifford Harris Jr. is going to jail. Why do you care if some dude named Clifford is going to jail? Because he is who you all know him by as T.I. (which after some research I found stemmed from TIP, and I don't EVEN want to know). So now you care right?

Yeah, me either. But that never stops TV executives from making a reality show out of the situation! Yay role models!

So, supposedly T.I. got caught with some felony gun charges. Now, this is acceptable by my gangta rap criteria. Which is questionable from the one music video I just happened to click on. Really? I don't think carrying a gun around and having this mixed into your own music gives you any gansta cred.

Anyways, back to the topic of this post. So MTV approached T.I. with a little proposition (as they would anyone in his position). Their plan: Film his last 45 days of community service. The title? "Road to Redemtion". Sounds boring? Yeah, I think so too. So I have compiled a list of sure-win reality strategies:

1. Make him try to find True Inmate Love.
2. There could be challenges where he would perform some task (licensee plate making, etc.).
3. He can be the token black guy.
4. See how long he can stay in a cell.
5. Don't make the show.

Full Story Here

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Elton John Quitting his Vegas Set

Flaming homosexual Elton John is calling it quits on his Caaser's Palace show in Las Vegas. I guess what happen's there doesn't stay there! Heyo!

The show closes April 22. Which sucks, since I didn't get to go see him the one time I was of age in Las Vegas. But man, check out that picture up there. Who would NOT want to see that?

Still no word on who will be replacing his time slot, but I'm sure his last performance (which tickets go on sale for Thursday) will be pretty damn special. The tickets range from $75-$250.



Full Story

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The Day the Music Died: 50th Anniversary Reunion Tour!

50 years ago to the day, music died. But don't worry, like a phoenix flying headfirst into the burning sun, it was reborn. But it still had to die in a fiery plane crash first.

Namesakes of the classic Don Mclean power ballad American Pie, Richie Valens, the Big Bopper, and Buddy Holly all met their maker in that big recording studio in the sky 50 years ago today. I remember where I was when it happened, back in 1959. Why, I was but a twinkle in my mother's dormant ovaries, and but a small undeveloped flagella in my father's testicles.

I can't help but try to just think about the world without these three men:

1.) If Buddy Holly's father pulled out, then our lives would be devoid of Weezer, pseudo-intellectual glasses, and Weezer. Okay, it wouldn't be that bad.

2.) If Richie Valens' mother swallowed, where would white people get their impression of the music that Hispanics like? And what about Lou Diamond Phillips? We'd never have been graced with his presence. Cal-coo-lus (if you know what I'm talking about, you're cool.)

3.) If the Big Bopper's mom had taken a Plan B, then wait a minute -- he's white? The Big Bopper is a white guy? What the fuck? I thought he was black.

I thought it was an equal-opportunity plane crash. This changes everything. My whole life is a fucking lie. I had no idea chantilly lace was sung by a crusty white guy.

In the end, without these three we would have never had Don Mclean's classic that refuses to go away, even going so far as to show up in shitty Chevrolet commercials just because it says 'Chevy' in the song. FUCK YOU, CHEVROLET.

And if we never had that song, then we'd never have a movie that shared the same name. So there you go: without these three, we'd never have seen a dude fuck the shit out of a pie. Thanks, Holy Trinity of Rock!

I think my point is that, even though we never got to know each other, I miss you, and I can honestly say that what you did for Rock and Roll will never be forgotten. And through all the bullshit that they play on the radio, I'm glad that I can always go back to you three (okay, two -- sorry Big Bopper, I don't like you) for some good old fashioned rock and roll.

Say Hi to lynyrd Skynrnynrnd for me in that big plane crash in the sky.

This is probably the best thing to come out of the whole ordeal anyway. I can't imagine life without this video.


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Modest Mouse Tickets on Sale NOW!!

Tickets now on sale for $31.50 (plus other things, came out to roughly $40).

Stubb's Tickets
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Bonnarooooooo

Bonnaroo Festival over in Manchester, Tennessee released some of their line-up today. A lot of good looking artists showing up. The festival is held June 11-14, so....ROADTRIP!

Tickets go on sale on the February 7th here, and cost quite a bit.

Bands I care about include:

Beastie Boys - known to let the beat...mmmmm...drop!
Bruce Springsteen - Born to run through our ears.
Nine Inch Nails - long ass nails
Snoop Dogg - fo sheezy
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Yeah!
of Montreal - of sweet
Portugal. The Man - I know why they were created, to be a sweet ass band.

This isn't even the full list, so who else knows who will sign up. Too bad I probably won't see it!

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Love Awesome Music, but Abhor Wasting Time?

Well then, I might just have the cure for what ails you. A post 20 years in the making. Dread Zeppelin, Robert Plant's favorite LedZep cover band, is celebrating their 20th anniversary this year. If you don't know Dread Zeppelin, don't fret. You're life is about to change.

Start by bringing King of Rock and Roll back to life, mix it with the guitar hooks and lyrics of one of the Greatest Bands of All Time, set it to a reggae beat, and you'll NEVER have to waste time listening to multiple bands ever again. Dread Zeppelin is like the Crunchwrap Supreme of music, like if KFC bowls were made of good music instead of fucking chicken turds and second harvest corn.

Ever wonder what Black Dog would sound like if it included Elvis's throaty drawl and mid-song ramblings? Ever wonder what Heartbreaker would sound like set to Heartbreak Hotel? DON'T! They've got you covered!

The story goes that Elvis came to Greg Tortell (aka Tortelvis) in a dream and told him to form a band that mixed the lyrical stylings of Elvis with Led Zeppelin songs set to a reggae beat. And by Christ, he did.

Led Zeppelin not enough for you? Think Cream is awesome? How bout Cream with Elvis and reggae? Think the Doors rocks your socks? Try the Doors with a dub sound and some jive-talkin.

I'm serious. This shit is like a classic rock burrito with extra fire sauce.

I'll post tour dates as soon as I get them.

Now imagine Sean Paul's lyrical stylings set to flamenco guitar versions of REO Speedwagon. Can't? Thank God. Me neither.

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UPDATED! Flight of the Conchords in Austin

Hey I fucked up (Thanks Jacob). Tickets on sale the 6th, not the 3rd like I so stupidly put. The 3rd is Modest Mouse, so hit those up too.


Mark your calendars for February 6rd, and clear your night for May 7th. Flight of the Concords will be playing at Bass Concert Hall here in Austin, Texas.

The concert will most definitely sell out quickly for the large hipster population at UT that will be clamming to get their hands on some tickets. So here bookmark here to purchase the tickets come February 3rd.

Hit the jump for hilarity. DO IT!



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Lolz Super Bowl Halfwaytime : An Open Letter by A Stupid Fucking Teenage Girl

So I wuz wathcing the Super Bowl (yay Vikings!1) witht he fams today, Super Bowl Sunday, when along the way during halfway time a musical performance comes on. Some guy named Boss Springfield, idk, my perants were all like "fuck yeah", but i was kind of hoping for maybe some Jonas Bros. or even some Family Force 5 to rok the shit out of that stage. I NEVER GET WHAT I WANT.

But whatever, he's all old and my perants thought he was pretty tubular back in the day, when they were youger (like 50 lolz!) I asked my dad about him, and he told me the only reason I was even around was because of this guy's music, and I was like, GROSS. I DON'T WANT TO THINK OF MY PARENTS HAVING SEX. At frist i was like, who cares about old people, but then I saw my friend kim in the audience (her dad is richer than mine), and she was waving her hands around, and then I thouht well I guess he can't be that bad if Kim is waving her arms around (she dated Tyler, and he's got a motorcylce :))

Anyway, so I was abuot to start dancing with my parents in the living room when my baby started crying and I had to go feed it. I think the reason Jesus hates abortions is because he doesn't want to take care of crying babies as much as I do. I LOVE JESUS!

-KELLI


Andre here. Even if the Super Bowl only serves to remind me how much I don't give a shit about football, I love Bruce Springsteen enough to have watched it anyway.

Before the show, though, I imagined what the performance was going to be like, just so I could prepare myself. I guessed it involved a lot of shoulder-juking, and handkerchiefs in back pockets. There were probably screaming teenage girls who don't know who Bruce Springsteen is, and the red-headed hottie from the E Street Band was all red-headed and hot. And the guy who wears the do rag all the time, too. Oh yeah, and Max Weinberg was probably there. He's a Jew.

If my memory serves me right, Courtney Cox probably showed up at some point, and then Bruce ended the performance by BLEEDING RED,WHITE AND FUCKING BLUE, man.

Oh, wait. Here's a video: Ahh, looks like the arrow didn't fall far from the tree. Wait, what does that even mean?



I can only imagine how many hits we're going to get because I put teen in the tags.
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Amy Winehouse's House Sacked

While she was on her vacation, her home got broke into(Yeah, I just got straight up ghetto there)!

My breakdown of the AP's article after the jump.

My thoughts in bold.

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Friday, January 30th 2009, 12:08 PM
Amy Winehouse's London house was burglarized while the singer was on vacation . Cattermole/Getty

Amy Winehouse's London house was burglarized while the singer was on vacation(DOIN DRUGS!).

Amy Winehouse's spokesman says the singer's home in north London was broken into while she was on vacation in the Caribbean. (She forgot to pay someone)

Spokesman Chris Goodman says Winehouse has reported guitars and music-recording equipment stolen. (Also reported missing was all the DRUGS)

Goodman said Friday the home was left empty (except for DRUGS)when Winehouse was on her much-publicized vacation on the island of St. Lucia.

He says Winehouse's neighbors spotted the burglars Thursday and called police. (The "Burglars" are just Amy's drug dealers. She owed them money.)

Officers found the front door kicked in. No arrests have been made. (The police are under the drug dealers payrole)

Winehouse shot to stardom with the multi-Grammy-winning album "Back to Black" in 2006 and has a fortune estimated by the Sunday Times at 10 million pounds(of cocaine!) ($15 million).

Full Article Here(sans my comments, otherwise the exact same thing!)

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LEAVE BRITNEY ALOOONE!

Britney Spears is issuing some more restraining orders (girls got it rough). The orders are against Osama Lutfi and Adnan Ghalib, former friend and boyfriend respectively.

Apparently the restraining order states:

"The documents state Lutfi, Ghalib and lawyer Jon Eardley have been trying to gain control of Spears' affairs. "

If by "gain control" they mean "have sex with" and "affairs" they mean "female affairs", then I totally understand where these guys are coming(!) from.

The real article is way to long for me to read or care about. So read the full thing here if you want.

And no, I am not posting a video of that kid screaming for Britney. I shall, however post something infinity worse(or better?) in it's stead.

WARNING!! THE FOLLOWING VIDEO CONTAINS A SHOWER, A GUY, A DANCE, A BRITNEY SPEARS SINGLE, GRINDING AGAINST SAID SHOWER, REMOVAL OF CLOTHES. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.


Thanks to Dre for showing this to me, or should I not be thanking him and instead punching him in the face?

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Modest Mouse to Rock Austin in March

Definitive rockin' band Modest Mouse will be hitting up Stubb's BBQ March 4th here in Austin, Texas. They will be accompanied by Mimicking Bird.

Ticket's are on sale February 3rd over Here. Or just check back here, I'll be sure to post an update.

Hit the jump for some good stuff.

Modest Mouse - Satin in a Coffin Live on Letterman


All this excitement has me feeling as hopeless as a fly trapped in a jar!

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Jessica Simpson rockin' the Mom-Jeans

Jessica Simpson was recently rockin some mom-jeans at a concert recently.

Her less-everything sister tried to defend her horrible choice in pants.

Ashlee Simpson is wondering why everyone is questioning Jessica's choice in jeans and perhaps the few extra pounds that she put on. Personally, I think those jeans add a few pounds to the ol' crotchal area as they were intended to.

She had this to say on her blog:

"I am completely disgusted. Since when did a woman's weight become newsworthy? How can we expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we criticize a size two figure? A week after the inauguration of US President Barack Obama and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman's weight or figure. All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you're a celebrity, there shouldn't be a different standard.

I don't know what Obama has to do with her sister's pants, but you know kids nowadays, always playing the Obama card. But yes, yes a woman's weight has always been noteworthy. Always. Don't blame us guys, we aren't the one's purchasing all those "Get Skinny Now!", " X packed on some pounds then lost it! Read How! (X is what we call a variable in the set of all female celebrities)" magazines and reading the stuff. I think women have higher standards than men do.

Regarding her last statement: Yes, yes there should be a different standard for celebrity. There is a reason she is a celebrity in the first place. Is it:

A. Because she can sing
B. Because she is smart
C. Because she can act
D. Because she is smoking hot

The answer is D, even with those pants on.



Man, this post wasn't about music at all. But these people have made music, so I guess it's relevant. I really just wanted to post that bad ass pic.

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Take Another Little Piece Inaugural Edition: Kelly Clarkson -- Breaking Records, Hearts

Introducing another segment where I rant about a new love in my life, specifically the unattainable and famous women that I would bed should they choose to get naked and cook for me.
Hey, I got principles. I don't date no scrubs. This week: "Smelly" Kelly Clarkson (we gave each other pet names). Mine's "You're Done Already?". She likes to call me that in bed.




Cute-as-a-button pop singer Kelly Clarkson will make headlines today when her single "My Life Would Suck Without You" jumps from no. 92 on the Billboard Top 100 to no. 1.

With KellyBear dethroning the queen of Pop herself, I can only imagine Britney Spears was more than upset at the news. How upset, you ask? Considering Britney had the most recent record with a jump from 96 to no. 1 last year, I imagine it's not as bad as when they made her quit eating ice cream with a ladle, but worse than when they took away her children and gave them to a walking sack of FAIL.

Britney Spears, upon hearing the news that Kelly Clarkson had broken her record:

"It's aight, y'all. I don't own no records, just some cd's and one mixtape that Justin made for me. It's got Leann Rimes on it! How do I live! Hold on, I'll get it. HOW DO I LIVE??!! Damn it, can I get an auto-tuner in here or some bacon wraps or something?"

Sorry Britney, I guess the world is going to need something more from you than not-as-clever-as-you-first-think song titles. Looks like they need actual talent, nay I say -- an idol?

And considering KellyBear took the title of her single from something I screamed outside her window when I was drunk one night, I'd say she hit the nail on the head. You're welcome babe. It's okay that you've got the hands of a midget, I'll look past that. It only makes it look bigger.

Kelly Clarkson Upsets Britney's Record

I can't actually embed the video here, so here's a grown adult man with his sweater collar popped singing it on the edge of a bed or something.



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Another Lynyrd Skynyrd Member Dies

R.I.P
Jimmy Powell
1952-2009

Skynyrd keyboardist Billy Powell died earlier this morning from possible heart complications.

He is joining fellow band members who died in that oh so famous plane(not the Buddy Holly-Jimmy Valens one) crash back in '77.

Death sucks, but it happens. I would say that being in a famous rock and roll band, he didn't die too sad.

Full Story
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John Landis Suing Michael Jackson over Thriller Profits -- Jackson not Thrilled in the Least, Vincent Price still Dead

Really? John Landis is suing Michael Jackson? Doesn't he realize the guy ran out of money from the hundred other people that decided to sue him? If he thinks he's due some kind of reward for any inappropriate touching from the King of Pop, he's sorely mistaken. He should have jumped on the bandwagon years ago like the rest of us.
Oh, what's that you say? This is a completely different matter? You're telling me it's a totally logical and legitimate reason for a lawsuit?



So the director of An American Werewolf in London made a video where he turned Michael Jackson into another werewolf and is now suing aforementioned "wolfman" over unpaid royalties from the Thriller video they made over 25 years ago. Apparently, Jackson hasn't paid him in over for four years. Hmm, I wonder what Michael Jackson was doing 4 years ago? Oh, that's right. He was getting sued.

Given that the King of Pop is busy making a Broadway musical about his music, owns the Beatles, and has the Elephant Man's bones locked in a trunk in Neverland, it seems to me that this foul stench could land both him and Landis in a 40,000 year funk.
Take a minute to ponder why that's the most ridiculous sentence I've ever written, because I've written quite a few of them.

Why yes, that's correct -- it IS almost as ridiculous as a long winded sentence/passage from Virginia Woolf's To the Lighthouse!

No? Too high-brow for you? You say that this is a music blog, not a boring ENGLISH blog? Alright. You win. I LOVE SUCKING FARTS OUT OF ASSES WITH A CRAZY STRAW. CRAZY enough for you? Fucking heathens.

Below I've posted an absolutely hypnosis-inducing video on the syntax of a Virgina Woolf sentence. There are two ways to go about it: a.) skip to about 40 seconds to see what I'm talking about. or b.) see how long you last before you decide to open a few veins and just let yourself bleed out in front of your computer. I went with A. Personal decision. I already read the goddamned thing.



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Arcade Fire Turn Down Grammys

Or weren't invited this year.

It is the same thing according to the band.


The oddly looking band Arcade Fire weren't invited this year's Grammy awards ceremonies, and they say they could care less and are in fact "relieved" about it. I'm no musician (trust me I tried by purchasing a guitar back in 8th grade, turns out you have to learn and practice and all this crap), but I think I would probably want to go to the Grammys for the fact that with a Grammy in hand, you are probably worth more [business wise, not really worth a damn (read: Kanye West)]. But then they do list a very valid reason that I can understand:

• No free food or drinks
• $75 hotdogs

Yes, that did say $75 hotdogs!! I'm with the Fire now, fuck the Grammys! Let's go buy a shitload of hotdogs instead!

Full Story Here

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Dredg: Taking Standing Around Wistfully Too Literally for 4 Years and Counting...

It's been four years. FOUR YEARS since Dredg's last venture into giving me audio orgasms, and that they did. I swear to God, after listening to El Cielo, I needed to smoke a cigarette.


Dear Dredg: More of this --


LESS OF THIS.




And please put down the lens flares for a second and focus on the slide guitar.

According to Dredg:

"We are currently in the middle of mixing and putting the final touches on our new record and are on schedule for an April release. Unfortunately, our original March 24 release date has been pushed back due to unavoidable consequences and our constant search for perfection."

Anyway -- watch that release date get pushed back until September. And perfection? To have pushed an album date back about 10 times, with each the hopeless despair inside me growing like a void, I can only hope what they give me after 4 years of waiting is so perfect I can't help but both cry and ejaculate just thinking about the songs. Yeah, I might be in public and there may be women present -- but who cares, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. That's how I roll.


If this is any indication of the 'perfection' that we'll be receiving come July, then it looks like my dick is staying in my pants. I might just have to think of El Cielo while I'm listening to it.

And while I'll defend their talent to my dying day, I'm getting pretty sick and tired of being strung along like a mouse in a maze with the promise of cheese.
Let's just hope it's brie waiting for me and not a guillotine.
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